Gear Change: It’s Okay!

Training differently has been delightful and scary – delightful because I love learning new techniques and exercises, yet scary because I’ve devoted a good amount of my life to weightlifting.  I’m used to building muscle and building size.  I consider myself a big little woman – big because of mass and size and little because I’m 5’3 in height.

For years I considered myself to have bigorexia.  Growing up the first part of my life (until twenty-one) I was forever self-conscious about being skinny – I never enjoyed being a size 3 or a 5 – and the next part of my life being twenty-two and now thirty-three I’ve fluctuated up and down.  I’ve been a professional yo-yo dieter without using trendy diets.

For years I’ve been comfortable with extra bodyfat and padding on my body because of the comfort it brought me mentally and emotionally.   For the longest time I would keep these words out of my vocabulary:  Slim, thin and small.  But now I want to switch everything.  I want to look in the mirror and not have a skewed sense of self when it comes to my body.

I believe since my life is different now, everything else should be too.  So I’ll give up some old ghosts and give up some of my old agreements.  I’m not going to be afraid of losing bodyfat and my extra padding.  I’m going to lose some mass, come down in size and calm my anxiety while doing so.

I’m going to work on being a little woman the way my body probably wanted to be right from the beginning before I destroyed it with my skewed perceptions.  I will not be afraid of allowing words like slim, lean and sleek into my vocabulary.  I’m going to let my body be in a more natural state, whatever that state may be.   I’m going to gain knowledge of my body on a whole other level with the basis of gear changing everything I thought I knew simply because my entire life has been rearranged.  I’m doing this because I need to retrain my mind so I have newer methods and agreements to inhabit.

Believe it or not, I’m also doing this because training the same old way (weightlifting) I now find boring.  I’m very good at weightlifting.  I’ve trained with some pros.  I’ve allowed Master Trainers to train me like a circus dog as they took me to the next grade.  I’ve trained other people to get muscle and size even when they thought a woman shouldn’t know anything about building muscle.  I know a lot about weightlifting.  No – not everything – but enough to say, “Hey I think it’s about time we changed things up a little bit.”

Weightlifting is second nature to me.  I’ve been doing it for thirteen years.  I know how to pyramid, pre-exhaust drop, and perform staggered, rest-pause, giant and tri-sets.  I’m pretty good with the basic exercises like Shoulder Press (Military Press & Overhead Press), Bench Press (Dumbbell Chest Presses & Incline Chest Presses), Barbell Squats (Front Squats & Wide Squats) and Deadlifts (Stiff-Legged & Romanian deadlifts).

I’ve cut back on building muscle and size – not just because I need to lose a total of 30lbs – but because I don’t need anymore muscle or size.  What I should focus on is losing bodyfat, staying trimmed and challenging myself with a more streamline appearance.  I’ve proved to myself and others – I’m strong!  I can pull back on the strength reigns a little.  Physical strength is something I will always adhere to.  Now I’m ready to move on.

Aside from changing my vocabulary and changing the way I physically look, I’m learning how to refine my training mentality and philosophy.  I’d like to be more flexible in my approach when it comes to my body.  Far too often, in the fitness industry (especially in the world of Bodybuilding and Powerlifting), you have many so-called gurus and experts telling you to destroy your body and work through injuries.

In their eyes it’s like a sin to take a rest day.  And I bought into those extreme beliefs and it has build up my mental toughness pretty well.  However, in the process I’ve really injured my muscles believing in the “no pain, no gain” training philosophy.  Aside from being flexible in my approach, I want to retrain my mind and body to believe that it’s okay to take rest days.

And it’s okay to be slender.  It’s okay to train for a more streamline look then a denser thicker body.  It’s okay to take on a new workout (Ballet Beautiful) and put the weightlifting and bodybuilding on the backburner.  It’s okay to give up what’s familiar to what’s foreign.  In time I will learn further on what I love and what I dislike, as well as what beliefs I want to keep selfishly and what beliefs I need to discard happily.  I’m ready.

It’s okay to want change.

Ms. Hall

Accommodating Self (Part 2)

The best decision I made was breaking up with the gym.

I did a ton of reflecting.  In general I have no problem working out at home, but I just never knew I’d feel more comfortable working out at home around the clock as much as I do.  Training at home has allowed me to take the pressure off mentally as I can’t compare myself against who I used to be.. way back when.  Aside from less self-demands I can’t ego lift at home like I can ego-lift at the gym.  It does suck I can’t feed off people’s energy in the gym, but the focus is deep having to feed off my own energy.  It’s been about 4 months since I’ve been strength-training at home and I must say it’s been beneficial for me mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.

Here are a few reasons why I enjoy training at home nowadays aside from the little I just mentioned:  I can be myself.   I don’t have to smile, be polite, and pretend I’m in a good mood or have small conversation when I don’t want to.  I can workout whenever I want without time restraints or gym holidays getting in the way.  I can focus 110% on my form, on my breathing and zero in on the way I feel mentally or emotionally.   I have to push myself differently and get extra creative making home workout programs so they are super effective and exhausting because that’s what I enjoy.

Also I don’t have to feel uncomfortable or awkward trying to hide my extra fat in huge hoodies and sweat pants.  I can rock a spaghetti-strap tank top and spandex and I wouldn’t secretly judge myself in front of others and make the awkwardness awkward and obvious to those who may or may not judge me at the gym.  (Judgement-free zone only happens at home and not at Planet Fitness.)  I don’t have an aversion at home, but I do have one outside – where I secretly believe people can tell if I previously hurt my ankle or not.  (Yes, it’s mental.)  Also I don’t have to spend over $112.00 on Metro Card money to travel to the gym and back home.

Then there’s the other obvious like I don’t have to wait for machines during peak time.   I compete with myself, build my confidence and track record rather than pressure myself to compete with the person I used to be in the gym while being at the gym.   On a really good note, with at-home workouts, I can do laundry at the same time I train.  And as an introvert – I do enjoy my time alone.

New inspiration?  Now over the past month and a half I’ve been newly inspired by Ballet Beautiful.  I owe it to BB for re-motivating me again.  I can do any of their workouts at home and spread it out among the day (on top of my weight training) for minutes at a time multiple times a day and night.  The exercises, technique and workouts themselves are extremely challenging and work very well!  Ballet Beautiful approach comes off more about quality than quantity and the workouts itself are about strength, power, flexibility, balance, technique and grace in a totally different way.

I absolutely swear by Ballet Beautiful and I haven’t been doing it very long at all.  In the past I’ve written about how I enjoy the extremes of both bodybuilding and ballet as I find them both to be very similar in terms of disciplinary action, strength, beauty, aestheticism, athleticism and art.  I love them both.  And I feel like I want to embrace them both and see where they lead me to.  For the good month of August I fell in love with Ballet Beautiful for countless reasons aside from what I perceive ballet to be – graceful.  One reason why I love Ballet Beautiful is because of the minimalist style.  Two is because the exercises and stretches involved are complex, detailed and difficult.  Third reason is BB has increased my motivation by 100%!

All this time, I was searching for something.  Strangely – and out the blue – I fell in some kind of dear love for Ballet that started around 2009.  But, I didn’t know something totally different from weightlifting would give me the “wow” factor and innovative inspiration I needed.  In ballet, there’s a quiet and classical tone set, as well as an elegant breathtaking history, same as Bodybuilding for me.  There’s art, power, focus and balance in every single ballet movement which I find irresistible.

Of course, a few times a week I will continue to devote time and effort to strength-training, but it was Ballet Beautiful that took me to another place mentally, emotionally and physically.  It’s because I can start fresh and it’s because I’m not bound to the past decade and associations of weightlifting.  Recently I started to realize how my training has been changing in ways I’m not fully understanding yet.  It seems weightlifting doesn’t have the same flavor for me – maybe because I associate the past decade with weightlifting?

I’m a new person now.
And I want my training to reflect this as well.

Here’s what I know now:  I have a new vision for my body.  I don’t want my old body back because I don’t go backwards.  I want a more symmetrical and streamlined look.  I want to be more refined.  I want to be less soft.  I want to be less bulky.  I want less of the comfort I’ve had with my body in the past.  I want new strengths.  I want new exercises.  I want new challenges.  I want new posture.  I want new everything!

I will continue to focus on smaller muscles because all the bigger muscles on my body are well-developed.  I will continue to work on the tiny details in every single muscle.  I will continue to use my first love – dumbbells and barbells no more than twice a week and no less than one.  Weightlifting will always have a home in my heart, but what I want now and what motivates me now is vastly different.  I’m going to enjoy shifting.

And who knows what it might bring?

P.S.

One of my current goals is to go to the gym twice a week for extra cardio purposes.  I have an initial 30lbs to lose.  I’ve already dropped 7lbs in 2 weeks.  It’s game on.

-Pennington

Accommodating Self

I have a new vision of how I want my body to look.

Ever since my life changed dramatically I no longer want to associate with the past as if it were a great friend.  I have this fresh sense of self-worth and self-love.  I have a profound sense of fresh freedom.  I have a new perspective on respect.  I have a thirst for renewal on every level in my life.  I have redefine friends, attitudes, perspectives, logic, love and even training.

I’m not sure what lays in front of me in the life of training, but I know I’ve been a weightlifter for over a decade.  I need something new or different because I’m new and I’m different now.   It’s nothing for me to lift and pyramid heavy weight upon heavier weight until I’m completely exhausted.  I know what it’s like to live for the iron therapy and the iron discipline, iron mind, iron heart and iron blood.

I know very well about this weightlifting life.  I also know that before things changed for me I had a hard time obtaining motivation and I struggled with finding love, rekindling the passion and pleasure in weightlifting back in 2013-2014.  I wonder if this was a sign of where I am to be now.

I know ever since the frightful ankle accident everything has changed, including my training and my body.  I found motivation very hard to come by and suffered for months in a state of blank.  I learned to accept that this accident was a traumatic experience for me.  I still have moments where I relive the accident or the feelings associated from the most difficult time of my life.

I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to during this difficult time because no one was going through the same thing as me.  There wasn’t anyone who could understand what I was going through – except the forum I found where people broke their ankles, spoke about their thoughts on surgery (before and after) and what could we possibly do to return to normal as we recovered.  So I did what I usually do – I turned inward – even though I felt drowned by life and all its multifaceted oceans.

It took me a long time to get used to the idea of being immobile.  The physical life as I knew it was washed away immediately.  I no longer had weightlifting therapy as a crutch.  I no longer showered like normal people.  I no longer cooked.  I gave all my independence to others because I didn’t have a choice to a lot of the times.  In the beginning I was drugged from pain medication.  I remembered taking less pain medication than what was prescribed because I didn’t want to get addicted in any way, so in order to keep the pain at bay I slept like a bear.  This accident was very hard on my mind, on my body and on my spirit.

Then I had to get used to being mobile.  During this time I didn’t recognize myself.  I was wearing sweat pants all fall and winter because it was the only thing that got pass my big cast.   Since I was depressed, and all the physical activities were taken away suddenly – I needed comfort along with something that brought me instant intense pleasure.  Consequently, I drowned myself in every food delight possible, even foods I used to turn my back on I added onto my daily menu.  It was no surprise that I gained 30lbs in a matter of 7 months.

Naturally I said, “Wow you really need to get yourself back into the gym and hit it super hard!”  I noticed since January of 2015 I had a pattern of working out at home:  Two weeks on and two weeks off.  I incorporated all kinds of low-impact workouts including boxing and Pilates – basically anything I could do at home that didn’t hurt my ankle further.  But now it was time for me to grow a bigger pair of tits and hit the gym once again.  I thought I was ready.

But when I entered the gym I felt extremely uncomfortable.  I saw tons of fit people and realized I wasn’t around their level anymore.  I wore oversized hoodies, shirts and sweat pants because I felt extremely fat (for my standards).  I wasn’t the same weightlifter or person I used to be at the gym.  I had this strange amount of pressure every single time I went back into the gym and kept comparing myself on who I used to be.  I kept asking myself, “How am I going to be back to who I was?”

The idea of starting many things from scratch just kept bringing my motivation down.  I didn’t feel inspired on any level.  I didn’t have the right kind of mindset.  I wasn’t flexible in my approach.  I’ve never gone through this before.  I was used to being the one everyone relied on to give them motivation.  I was the one who relied on nobody but me for inspiration.  So now that I was good at failing myself, my confidence shrank rapidly until it became nonexistent.  Rather than realize I should’ve started slow and build up a slow confidence within – I tried forcing myself to like the gym.

I tried to motivate myself in all the ways that used to work for me regarding the gym (fit life and weightlifting”.  Did it work?  No.  Mostly because the motivation that used to work for me before wouldn’t work for me now.  I wasn’t getting it.  When I continued to lag, I just figured I needed to get into the gym as many times as possible and the rest will all just fix itself.  So I tried to force myself to do 2 workouts twice a day 5 times a week, and even included newbie training buddies to make things easier.  And I still wasn’t motivated.  If anything, it made things worse.  I gave it a month and a half.  Then I decided very carefully to break up with the gym (which I made an entry about already here).

The good news is I found something new and different to accommodate the new and different me.  To be continued.

-Ms. Hall