Open Canvas

Previously written, but freshly revised.

I check my email everyday to see what the newsletter from Ballet Beautiful brings.  When I’m angry or sad I now look to have my alone time with Mary Helen Bowers.  I connect an HDMI Cable from my phone to the television in order to see Mary and hear Mary at the utmost capacity I can endure.  I lose myself in challenge, in burn, in precision, in stream, in flow, in ballet-inspired motions and emotions.

For the past 7 months I’ve switched my training course.  I’ve been able to keep my motivation full of momentum.  I acquired new goals, new functions, new visions and new approaches.  I work on accessory muscles.  I work on finer details – you know the kind of muscles that add finishing touches.  I work on engagement.  I work on balance.  I work on coordination.  I work on intense body awareness.

There’s no surprise with the newer smaller muscles strengthened how much they propel my bigger muscles in being stronger and healthier in ways where movements (I train at least twice a week) such as Bent-Over Rows, Shoulder Presses and Squats are now enhanced.  Every exercise feels easier.  I move through them in flow.  I used to have a love/hate relationship with Squats and now I can say for the first time in a long time my Squats feel a thousand times better.  I feel lithe in action and my body responds effectively with countless muscle fibers igniting at once like electricity.

For the past 7 months my training hasn’t consisted much of what I call compound movements with heavy barbells or dumbbells.  Decreasing my weightlifting training has taken me a long time – mentally – to be fine with.  Of course, most of the movements I deal with on a regular basis are multipurpose anyway, but there’s also a higher caliber of isolated action, unlike compound activity.

For over a decade I’ve used external equipment on top of my already petite yet heavy solid and periodically doughy frame (160lbs, 180lbs, 200lbs +).  I know what compounds bring and I also knew I needed to shock my body to work for me in a whole different direction.  So I couldn’t wake up 13 years later to tell myself I’m going to cut back on weightlifting because I just didn’t know how I was going to put what I considered to be my religion on hold.  I couldn’t see it possible in my mind.

But, things take time.  Life happens and sometimes people suffer poetically during an ankle break.  Too many things broke down in my life, and the last two years I’ve been working to get back on top emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  It seemed the only way for me to start was by starting small.  I remembered when relearning how to place weight through my ankle and on my foot again that walking a single block was hellish and too much for my lower back and ankle to bear.  During this time, weightlifting seemed like a big monster, it was too much to tackle.

So, I found solace in a new world that allowed me to start small.  All I had to do was a few minutes a day.  I didn’t even need to stand to perform these exercises.  I just needed to start and needed to commit to a thousand reasons bigger than myself as to why it became highly important for me to move my body.  That’s when I came across Ballet Beautiful by accident.

The minimalist appeal and whiteness of the set and such spoke to me.  It became an open canvas where I gave myself permission to leave my old fitness self behind.  I perceived the white to be virginal, a clean slate.  I analyzed the BB videos.  I analyzed Mary Helen Bower’s body of curves and (almost) hidden ballerina muscles and it was a new kind of strong and a new kind of fitness.  I started on the purple Mat.

Still I was selfishly deep into my depression and couldn’t get myself moving, let alone play with dumbbells.  Out of reach like an island I’ll most likely never visit – Plyometrics movement became removed from my workout regimen.  So, it made sense for me to try smaller workouts so I could pace my body and mind, even though I had an old school frame of mind where longer workouts like an hour plus is what I’ve been taught to perform.

The first small workout I tried was a 7 minute Swan Arms Ballet Beautiful workout.  I shit you not I thought flapping my arms up and down would be as simple as breathing air but I was mistaken.  It turned out I couldn’t even perform these swan arms for 20 seconds at a time.  My bodybuilder frame and over 30lb weight gain made sure my arms felt like wooden logs.  I was frustrated and wondered how I was supposed to get the maximum benefits out of these 7 minutes if I couldn’t even make it through the first minute straight.  But like everything, practice makes perfect.  I know I didn’t learn how to bench or overhead press over 90lbs on my first day of training.

I had to start from the beginning, which for me I kept looking at it like the bottom.  It took me months to get better and be able to do an entire 7 minute swan arm video without a single pause.  Imagine how thrilled I was when I did!  This meant the next best thing to do was to tweak my form.  I wasted no time in buying up Ballet Beautiful DVD’s overnight.  I made it a point to learn as quickly as I could.  I no longer thought about losing motivation.  Or if my workouts were going to be short or long.  The focus became about doing multiple workouts a day and night.  Mostly because I love a body challenge.

I was, and still am super high in love with Ballet Beautiful.  When the 5th month mark came around, I became confident with muscle memory and was able to perform videos and segments without pause I decided to subscribe to Ballet Beautiful’s Custom Workout Membership.  The only decision that seemed difficult to make was putting my gym membership on freeze while I use the gym money for my Ballet Beautiful subscription.  Well, I never thought I’d do that!  But it made sense, as every day multiple times a day I was dedicated and devoted to ballet-inspired workouts.  I was painting the new canvas with a fresh fitness brain.

-Ms. Hall

Gear Change: It’s Okay!

Training differently has been delightful and scary – delightful because I love learning new techniques and exercises, yet scary because I’ve devoted a good amount of my life to weightlifting.  I’m used to building muscle and building size.  I consider myself a big little woman – big because of mass and size and little because I’m 5’3 in height.

For years I considered myself to have bigorexia.  Growing up the first part of my life (until twenty-one) I was forever self-conscious about being skinny – I never enjoyed being a size 3 or a 5 – and the next part of my life being twenty-two and now thirty-three I’ve fluctuated up and down.  I’ve been a professional yo-yo dieter without using trendy diets.

For years I’ve been comfortable with extra bodyfat and padding on my body because of the comfort it brought me mentally and emotionally.   For the longest time I would keep these words out of my vocabulary:  Slim, thin and small.  But now I want to switch everything.  I want to look in the mirror and not have a skewed sense of self when it comes to my body.

I believe since my life is different now, everything else should be too.  So I’ll give up some old ghosts and give up some of my old agreements.  I’m not going to be afraid of losing bodyfat and my extra padding.  I’m going to lose some mass, come down in size and calm my anxiety while doing so.

I’m going to work on being a little woman the way my body probably wanted to be right from the beginning before I destroyed it with my skewed perceptions.  I will not be afraid of allowing words like slim, lean and sleek into my vocabulary.  I’m going to let my body be in a more natural state, whatever that state may be.   I’m going to gain knowledge of my body on a whole other level with the basis of gear changing everything I thought I knew simply because my entire life has been rearranged.  I’m doing this because I need to retrain my mind so I have newer methods and agreements to inhabit.

Believe it or not, I’m also doing this because training the same old way (weightlifting) I now find boring.  I’m very good at weightlifting.  I’ve trained with some pros.  I’ve allowed Master Trainers to train me like a circus dog as they took me to the next grade.  I’ve trained other people to get muscle and size even when they thought a woman shouldn’t know anything about building muscle.  I know a lot about weightlifting.  No – not everything – but enough to say, “Hey I think it’s about time we changed things up a little bit.”

Weightlifting is second nature to me.  I’ve been doing it for thirteen years.  I know how to pyramid, pre-exhaust drop, and perform staggered, rest-pause, giant and tri-sets.  I’m pretty good with the basic exercises like Shoulder Press (Military Press & Overhead Press), Bench Press (Dumbbell Chest Presses & Incline Chest Presses), Barbell Squats (Front Squats & Wide Squats) and Deadlifts (Stiff-Legged & Romanian deadlifts).

I’ve cut back on building muscle and size – not just because I need to lose a total of 30lbs – but because I don’t need anymore muscle or size.  What I should focus on is losing bodyfat, staying trimmed and challenging myself with a more streamline appearance.  I’ve proved to myself and others – I’m strong!  I can pull back on the strength reigns a little.  Physical strength is something I will always adhere to.  Now I’m ready to move on.

Aside from changing my vocabulary and changing the way I physically look, I’m learning how to refine my training mentality and philosophy.  I’d like to be more flexible in my approach when it comes to my body.  Far too often, in the fitness industry (especially in the world of Bodybuilding and Powerlifting), you have many so-called gurus and experts telling you to destroy your body and work through injuries.

In their eyes it’s like a sin to take a rest day.  And I bought into those extreme beliefs and it has build up my mental toughness pretty well.  However, in the process I’ve really injured my muscles believing in the “no pain, no gain” training philosophy.  Aside from being flexible in my approach, I want to retrain my mind and body to believe that it’s okay to take rest days.

And it’s okay to be slender.  It’s okay to train for a more streamline look then a denser thicker body.  It’s okay to take on a new workout (Ballet Beautiful) and put the weightlifting and bodybuilding on the backburner.  It’s okay to give up what’s familiar to what’s foreign.  In time I will learn further on what I love and what I dislike, as well as what beliefs I want to keep selfishly and what beliefs I need to discard happily.  I’m ready.

It’s okay to want change.

Ms. Hall

Update: New Motivation & Workout Reflection

Breaking up with the gym hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be.  It’s been two months, but in actuality, my ankle has taken me out for much longer than that (8 months).  So, I’m used to it for the moment.  I haven’t decided when I’ll be mentally prepared for the gym again or if I’ll be going in once a week for additional work or cardio.  And I’m not sure when I’ll get over the self pressure to exceed in my performance of the past and further it in the future.  But for now, I’ll remain in a tranquil state of my home gym.

The other night I came to the grand conclusion that I don’t necessarily need to weightlift or pick up heavy shit in order for me to achieve the endorphins I urgently need.  Of course this notion came to me after a super intense workout that consisted of countless bodyweight exercises.  Generally, on most days I’m working out with dumbbells and barbells (aside from Wii Fit, Fitness DVD’s or YouTube videos).

I’ve always considered myself a weightlifter and body sculptor of sort.  Therefore from time to time my mind can be on the one track deal, and as a result there’s no surprise why I narrowed my thinking into I could only sculpt my body with heavy weights (or I could only collect more energy from the gym itself than at home).  It’s no surprise I thought weightlifting was the only way for me to get my chemistry balanced or to fuel my inspiration whenever I was down, out and depressed as shit.

The only trick to what I need is simple:  I need a workout to feel and BE grueling and (almost) brutal.  I require my body to be taxed on several different levels.  I want to push my muscles beyond the limit of damage and destruction.  I must push my mind to new physical heights.  I crave the mental toughness of a workout because the one thing it does is provide stability for my high’s and low’s.  It provides the structure, the religion and the therapy for my mind, body, spirit and soul.  Frankly, intense workouts are my natural drug because I dare to live life sober.

So, I was lacking motivation the other night, mostly because I couldn’t get my energy where I needed it to be.  The way I inspired myself was by making sure the typical exercises were scratched off.  The idea and thought of different bodyweight exercises seemed to fuel me.  On this night the exercises were:  Elbow Drags/Elbow Crawls (50 feet total), Bear Crawls (50 feet), Pike Push ups, Shoulder Taps, Hip Escape with Hip Bridge (BJJ move), Hip Bridges Side to Side with Ball (going at a diagonal stretching the ball to the floor).

Workout Reflection: With the elbow crawls, I didn’t think to wear long sleeves, so the skin on my elbows peeled.  It’s pretty raw and wincing to the touch, but my shoulders, traps, rhomboids and abdominals went through some serious contracting.  The bear crawls were a bit hard on my ankle, but I made it through by modifying – bending at the knees more which in turn made my hamstring work harder.  Pike Push up was difficult as usual, but they allowed me to push my muscles to maximum.

Shoulder Taps are a good core exercise and I enjoy practicing stability during.  Hip Escapes were an awkward exercise because it was my first time attempting them yet they felt highly functional.  Hip Bridges Side to Side with Ball killed my hamstrings, inner thighs and gave my glutes a run for their pump.  I highly recommend this exercise!

The message here is there are many ways to get your endorphins going, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be with iron and steel.  Don’t stay stuck on a one-way train.  When you’re feeling unmotivated, look to accomplish something completely different – this could be the key to getting you unstuck.  When in doubt, continue to work it out because where there’s a will, there’s a way.

-Ms. Hall

Push Potential

Ever come across someone who pushes you during your training session and for a moment in idle air you wonder why?  Like who gave them the permission to do so because you certainly didn’t!  It’s as if there’s an unspoken rule that’s been made once you agreed upon putting your training balls in someone else’s gym court.  And trust me; I’ve been in this game long enough, so I’m aware of the undercover rules.  

Last night one of the gym boys (who I named) Cop said to me, “Big pull!  Big pull!”  Obviously, in hopes that I would continue pulling at a nice angle to my chin the 130lb Lat Pulldown before me.  And of course, I appreciate it to the fullest.  Then while Hungarian took his grand turn, Cop came over to me and said, “For your last set (which was the 5th), do as many reps as you can and than drop it once and continue repping until you can’t anymore.  Contract.  Contract.  Contract.”

No biggie, right?
Sort of.

I want you lovely people to understand that throughout the entire training session it sounds like it’s less about training and techniques than it sounds like its just nagging.  It could be the kind of person he is?  Or it could just be how I take it?  Again, I appreciate the marvel of it all!  I do!  Yet, I remain silent.  I do what’s expected of me and sometimes I go above and beyond what’s expected of me, whether it’s training or another aspect of life.

On one hand it resembles obligation mixed with multiple pressures, both internal and external).  On the other, I look at it like he knows I can handle it and perhaps this person sees my potential and wants me to evolve as much as humanly possible.  Or he wants to make sure that if I’m going to fill in the training spot that I need to come correct and earn it as a form of initiation.  Who knows?  Then there’s other perspectives, ones I haven’t consider yet, and this is probably where YOU the reader comes in. 😉

So my defensive side surfaces and in my head I’m like, “Why does Cop push me so much?  What’s the agenda?  Why doesn’t he perform a few drop sets himself?  Why isn’t he asking Hungarian to do it?  Why is he only asking me to do it?”  I ask these “why’s” mostly because Cop and I are following the leader, who so happens to be Hungarian.

There isn’t a way to defeat Cop or Hungarian in a total poundage method.  But a part of me wonders if this is a form of friendly competition.  Or perhaps Cop wants to make me look bad?  Maybe he wants to see me defeated?  Just maybe he wants to see if I’ll breakdown, give up in the middle of a set or throw in the towel completely?

Am I being melodramatic?  I try to get a grip because apparently I’m cynical and sometimes I think the world is trying to get me.

I do find it perplexing (in a sense) that Hungarian doesn’t push me AT ALL.  If anything, last night Hungarian said to Cop, “Wait, she’s doing a drop set?”  Hungarian will motivate with words (to whoever decides to train with the crew and to whoever can keep up with him/them) and say, “Beautiful!  Good job!”  Hungarian will ask me if I want to increase the weight or lower it.  But as of yet, he lets me take control of my entire set, rep scheme, breathing (or lack of breathing technique) and only assists when one is coming to the point of failing.

So, what’s the difference between these two guys?

-Penn Hall